The Road Home
April 23, 2013
February 10, 2010
I just read a blog that my niece wrote about how she and her husband are making an effort to use cash only these days. I was interested in reading the article but half way through, began to feel some guilt and shame. Here I am 18 years older than her and I have incredible amounts of debt that I cannot foresee paying off in my lifetime. How did this happen, I ask myself? Have I been foolish with my money? Why am I not in better shape financially.
Then came the anger, resentment and more guilt. Yes, I have been a bit careless with my spending in the past. I have taken wonderful vacations that I wouldn't trade for anything but they went on the credit card. My intention was to pay them off quickly but somehow things got away from me.
Then I remembered how most of my debt was incurred. Over the past forty years, much of my money has gone to pay for medical bills and therapy. I often wonder what my life would be like today had I not needed all this support. I believe I would most assuredly not be here or be leading a very small and narrow life. Instead today I love my life, my self and the many gifts I have received through my recovery from sexual abuse. Do I wish that someone else (i.e. my abuser) would have paid for all my care? Absolutely! However, that wasn't going to happen and so the burden fell to me.
Today I honor and affirm how well I have taken care of myself, both physically and emotionally. Without outside help, I would not be enjoying the rich spiritual life that I have today. I don't begrudge myself one penny of what I have invested in my recovery. The freedom that has emerged from all my work is of tantamount value. I am grateful for the opportunities to find resources that have helped me grow and become the person I am today.
I still have a bit of anger and resentment toward my family since they have not acknowledged the fact that the abuse happened. But then I remind myself of the richness of my life and that my path has been exactly that -- my path and no one else's. Perhaps my experience, strength and hope will touch the lives of another survivor some day and that is how we all recover and reclaim our lives.
I will also remind myself that I can do something about my debt. That there is always hope and that I just need to ask for help and it will appear.
TODAY'S AFFIRMATION: Today I will compare myself and my life to no one. Instead I will accept myself and my path exactly as they are. I will honor the creativity and perseverance I have used to move myself to a place of health and fullness. I embrace all of my life and experience and hold it to my heart and know that it is mine alone. Unique and worthy, just as I am.
February 3, 2010
Tonight and most of today I have spent spiraling into shame and depression. What is this about I ask myself? I haven't experienced this feeling in a long time. I feel as though I'm back in the days of daily anxiety and depression. I wonder why this is happening now and then I remember that I've chosen to be involved in a relationship these past few months. Oh yes, and now I remember the "gifts" that come with this choice. I want desperately to go back to being alone, at peace with myself and with life. Can I do this while in a relationship? I am not seeing how this is possible today.
The only way that I can see to move out of this uncomfortable state is by coming back to my own center. I have to detach from this other person, his problems, his issues and get back in touch with my own precious child within. I know how to "put up with" another's behavior and even their touch. My child self had to do that to survive. Now I have choices. I can tell myself that I don't have to put up with anything. I can choose freely that which is good and healthy for me. I can do things that make me feel worthwhile, whole and good.
Today that might be a walk in the park in the middle of winter. I love the quiet of the snow-filled world. Or I might swim some laps in the pool in search of quiet meditation. Or I might get involved in a creative pursuit that I love.
I can take a break from this relationship if it is too taxing for me. If I begin to feel as though I am no longer worthy; that I am shaming myself for my judgementalness, I need to take a break and let those feelings and thoughts go for now. I need to turn my precious child toward me and tell her that I love her and that she is most certainly worthy and loveable. That she is at her core a most loving human being. Yes, she has opinions and does judge at times but she no longer has to make herself feel less than and bad because she doesn't fit in a particular relationship. She no longer has to try to fit her round self into a square hole. She can seek out the perfect fit for her and be patient while that happens. Forcing solutions doesn't work when it makes me feel shame filled. That is about old feelings that were given to me by my abuser and co-abuser.
I don't have to "settle" any longer. I can hope to be loved for who I am and know that I am worthy of that love. I can also choose who I love and I don't have to force myself to like someone just because they like me. I need to continue to be true to myself first and foremost. Then and only then, will I be content in a relationship with another person.
TODAY'S AFFIRMATION: Today I will go within and discover what I really want and need. I will be true to myself and my child within and make choices that are healthy for both of us. I will take care of her needs and fears first. Only then can I make decisions out of a place of wisdom and compassion. When I feel fear and depression, self care is the answer. Today I will care for myself in the best way I can.
January 21, 2010
After I wrote my first two books, "On the Path" and "Embracing the Journey," I always meant to write the third. I had already chosen the title....."The Road Home." I imagined that it would be about later stage recovery. What I didn't imagine is that it would take twenty years for me to begin the writing in earnest. I began it many times and have kept the entries that I worked on sporadically over those two decades. What brings me to a point of writing this book now is a major change in my life. I did almost all of my intense healing outside a major sexual relationship. I wasn't ready to get involved with someone early in my recovery and as my life progressed, I became quite comfortable discovering just who I was and feeling more and more content with myself and my life.
Now, two decades later, I find myself in a major relationship with a male and it does involve sex. Yes, that troublesome and sometimes painful three letter word. As I continue to become more and more involved with this person, I am finding that the areas that I thought were nicely healed are being touched and challenged in a new way. What a surprise that situations that even a year ago didn't cause an emotional ripple are now triggering all kinds of feelings that I haven't experienced in years.
I'm choosing to write this blog as a way of "thinking out loud" as I wander down this new path of healing. There have been many speed bumps and areas of healing that I believe I couldn't have experienced outside an intimate relationship. I would welcome any comments as I continue this journey via this electronic venue.
TODAY'S AFFIRMATION: When my inner child experiences terror or fear, I am still the person she needs to look to for support and comfort. I will not look to another person to take care of her. I am the person who truly knows what she needs to feel safe and I will tell her that I will continue to be there for her - always.